HI there,I'm carol from Ipoh =) Curently studying at Utar, Perak campus. Hope you enjoy reading ;D
|hurt & disappointed to the max.
my sense is not wrong at all.. Thursday, October 30, 2008 * 2:07 AM
what my heart telling me is never wrong...
today I log in his msn and i view the history between him & his ex.
so sorry. i doesnt mean that i dont believe you...my curiosity, doubt & suspect is too heavy to make me trust u anymore.
i dont understand why u wanna play me like this.
i very hate myself now.. i feel myself soooo dirty.
im very scared..i dont understand how people can have two relationship in their heart.
what the fuck is happening??? im not blind.
i'm wrong to believe u... i shouldnt believe you anymore after your ex visiting last time.
this is the answer for all the question that im wondering all this while.
i understand why u never put me in the first place.
u though I AM what????
something that u can have two ??
doll ??
when u want me, u take me...
when u dont want me, u put me aside!!?
i got feelings!!!!!! why u wanna play me like this??
fine.
i know i dont worth this way. i DESERVE better.
its my choice to be with u. i wont blame u.
i'll NOT FORGET how do you make me feel.
so much for the happy ending.
|special deepa :D
this year I celebrating deepa for the f**kin' first time with Vin da' cutie baby & Navin da' candu =D Tuesday, October 28, 2008 * 4:44 PM
craziest night ever.. doing last minute shopping on deepa eve ;D
went parade $ parkson for shop.
Vin buy smart formal from Urban while Navin get casual wear from SODA ^^
they are the last customer for deepa eve at parkson *__*
on the way back to Kampar, switching to plan B, BBQ at navin's house because dont have food for us... we're late and his cousin eating BIG !! well, the curry is damn f**kin nice <<3
we went Tesco,kampar for the charcoal, chicken & liquor !
damn disappointed when the WINE kiosk closed. wth...
no liquor no party man.
VIN cAme out with the idea to clubbing at penang.. wohhhseh... crazy ler..
NavIN said "better rush back to Ipoh for the liqour." LOLs
[[ THE FAMOUS GROUSE ]]
crazy..!! odw back after liquor, NAVIN bought BARCELONA lighter !! woohh...
mule la... i start to have my very first cig that night..
didnt take in.. just playing with the smoke in mouth...damn. since when i became so nottyyyy baby?? XD
Its really nice to know them..
i learn a lot from them...and they chilling me ^^
LOVE THEM HELL LOTSsssa... *hearts*
today i really not very happy.
bb i love you.. but im not happy.
when being with you, i dont feel secure.
because i felt you hide many things from me.
trust. if you want me to trust you, u should be honest with me.
i know when you're cheating...i just pretending that i don't know.
honey, i know and remember lots of thing that u told me.most of them from your mouth.
i just wonder why are you cheating me... *hurts*
i want to love you more, but deep deep in my heart asked me to stop.
the heart tells me that i'll get hurt by the end of the time.
im soooo scared honey.
i hate the feeling of alienated especially from the one i love.
i scared i will leave you one day..
i know you dont want me to think a lot and you feel there's nothing for cheating.
but u know what? i prefer you be honest even i'll get hurt.
atleast i know..
msn. i know something happen with you & your ex.
i really feel unsecured.. i feel like...Im not the only one you love!
so hard to comfort my heart sometimes because they keep asking me to stop...
i scared i'll heartbroken to the max one day =(
please make me feel better for godsake.
im waiting for changes that could change my though toward you.
i want your care..
one more thing, i feel like.. im not important for you.
i always wonder... it seems like your friend are more important than me.
why do i feel like that?
you can go out earlier for the gals in the morning.
you can spend time on dota with your housemate till late night instead of me.
you prefer sleeping the whole day long when im with you....
is there any way to save me back to the right track?
i need you....because i love you.
****
oh yea, wenjin the lil boy.
heard that he got gf ard. shooot!!!!!~
im so freak off when i heard about that..
my mum is true i guess.... sob.
i prefer to be loved than to love ones who dont appreciate me the way it should be.
i wish you & your loved ones happy always. [=
chances come and go.. appreciate the chances because chances might not coming twice ^^
^carol 翌心^
|aihs..
i dont feel happy. Thursday, October 23, 2008 * 11:25 PM
i want to be happy..
zzz..
goin back tomorrow.
missing my mum..
i dont feel like staying here..
i wanna meet Matthew!!
i know he can make me smile.. [=
is there anything that can make me happy??
zzzz
sad carol =(
|IM BACK. hohox
FINALLY i reach kampar d after 3weeks holiday. Saturday, October 11, 2008 * 11:50 PM
so bored!... no place to go.
always stay at home dreaming & think many rubbish!
always stay at home ar, not crazy also die ar! haihs.
so kelian..
i just want to relax my mind mer.. but dont have chance.so sad!
bb sick jo wor..
so ke lian ar..
thought can spend this 2days with him de...
but he no energy to walk also..haih
nvm lar...
bb dont think so much le la..
i love you^^
|mistake that you never know..
dont know what is going on. Thursday, October 9, 2008 * 8:24 PM
seems like im not myself anymore..
im lost.
i hate myself for not knowing what is wrong & right.
even i knew, i tend to continue doing the wrong thing...
please bring me back to the right track!~
today i really unhappy.
i had a little quarrel with my mum before going back Kampar.
she asked me not to go so early because she need me to accompany her to attend a meeting at Hillcity at friday night.
but i had promised my boy.
i dont want to brake promise.
i hate people brake promise. real hate!
she so angry and say ' u go la.. i dont want u!'
i know she dont mean that way..
i know there's a reason why she wanted me to go with her so much.
i know i know.. i never get wrong.
atlast, i calmed down myself..
i go to her office.. and i promise her to come back by tonight or 2moro morning.
she say.. 'okays.'
i knew she felt guitly for talking that way to me..
i never keep in heart.
i know there's a reason for it.
i wont ask.. as she calm down, she will tell me... i know.
i love you mum!
im sorry...
so, i went Kampar.
and i feel so stupid to go Kampar for him.
its a real sucks feeling i ever had.
Oh the way to Kampar, i really feel happy because i can meet him at last.
i really so happy...i think of many ways to give him a surprise.
i thought when i going to reach, i would give him a call.
so that he will come out and help me to carry with the stuff.
Im wrong.
when i call him for fun. he dont even bother.
he dont seems to drop by a while to help me with those things.
its really a common sense that i've lots of things to be clean and pack.
i tell myself, 'im wrong that i appear today and i did a stupid mistake that make my mum angry'
i not even eat anything from morning.
i thought to take lunch with him..
but it doesnt seem to be that way...
why?
there's many question appear in my mind.
i wonder how important am i to you?
you still remember? i ask you..how and what i do when i see you 2weeks later?
i always think that you will welcome me..you will smile at me and help me with the stuff together...
but its turned up side down.
and i really up sad.
when i was cleaning my room, i hears your voice screaming happily with your friends.
i'm happy that your okay BUT deep inside..i felt so hurt.
did you ever care about my feelings???
u go back penang so long ard.
i guess u had such a nice time with your friend ard.
u cant even spends a few minute with me to welcome me?
cant u just make me feel better??
after finished cleaning, im really hungry to death.
i call vin to accompany me to eat.
when i was in car, its raining outside.
i saw you running to my gate.
u felt weird that the gate locked.
i drive my car off imediately.
i had no way to go... but i scared i will soft hearted.
i want u to care me..
i get your call few minutes later..
i thought you will ask me where am i and ask me back?
Im wrong again.
haha.. u are asking for the wireless?!
wth..
u come for the wireless instead of me?
does it mean that if there are no streamyx at my house, u dont even bother?
u dont even come to meet me?
omg.
what the hell am i doing all the way?
anywhere i really appreciates that i've meet Vin.
he really makes me happy.
he is the one who shows me that he cares.
thanks Vin.
i knew i never have a friend as good as you.
thanks for everything !
after finished eating, u called me again.
not for me.. BUT for your results.
i really understand how u feel about the resit.
i felt sorry for you..i dont know how to help you.
its too late.
at first, i thought of telling you whats make me not happy today.
at last i dont.
i know you sad for your results, i dont want to burden u anymore.
i keep everything inside...
no way to throw it out.
it's hurts.
on the way back,
vin and ah gor sms me to ask me to becareful. Its raining and bla bla.
i dont feel happy instead i feel more sad for myself.
why they care me so much but not u??
im asking myself...
who are you for me??
i feel myself so useless...
i miss the feeling before we're together.
when will that feeling come back to me?
i hope that im dreaming for everything that happened today....
I want to keep ONLY sweet memories about us!
FINALLy, i know why my mum wanted i attend the meeting so much now.
my dad??
how could him?
he's going with my clerk?
wtf !
what the hell in his mind?
why not he go with my mum since the meeting needs 2 people to attend?
i know my mum is not good in B.M !
please dont hurt her.
she's the best mum in this world for me..
nobody can replaced her. i know i know.
dad you cant do this to my mum..
i cant even stand what i feel now in my relationship.
how could she?
she can do anything for us..she needs to do things at home and office.
did she ever say anything or even complaining??
now i know.
i didnt make a wrong decision.
i get back home.
to drink her soup and i will attend the meeting with her to replace them.
i hope my mum will feel better.
atleast she know... i will support her no matter what is going to happen.
i hope after tears, i could feel better for anything.
i just want to be myself for what i am.
NO offense dear.
tis is what i feel...
|courages..
today I'm not very happy. i very scared. Sunday, October 5, 2008 * 10:19 PM
I don't want to think but i cant.
where is the courage in me?
i need somebody to talk...
i very pain ar!
i want to tell but i don't have the courages.
i keep lying to myself..
this morning i woke up, i lay on my bed..
i think lots of thing..
I'm thinking should i continue to be like this?
i rewind back what have i done..
i done something big in my life.. and i still doing it!
i really stupid until i can't differentiates what is wrong and right..
i really very pain.
I'm thinking should i stop doing it and love myself more..
i don't know who should i tell, if i tell them.
they will hate & ask me to stop..
i shouldn't be in this way.
i need the courage to speak up..
i feel myself really useless...
i always lie that I'm ok BUT NOW i cant lie myself anymore.
who can cure me?
i don't want to hide in my room and cry alone.
i need someone to give me a shed.
lend me a shoulder..
someone who will support me and show me cares.
I feel very lonely.
where are u?
seems like I'm lost again...
|
haihs. Thursday, October 2, 2008 * 3:56 PM
i dont know what to say..
i feel like that gaps between us getting bigger and bigger each day.
we dont have things to say anymore...
JUST *speechless*
reply msges with hehe haha.
very no point.
i dont know what you're busying with everyday.
i dont seems to ask.. =]
i just hope that you'll be honest with me for everything.
i wish that you will do as you promise, i wont ask for anything.
i'll just hope you will automatically come & tell me.
but i wont force you.
i feel myself very useless.
in a relationship, this wont happen.
i want to share anything with you.
nothing else.
..........sad
i'll pretend that im happy.
i scared you will leave me....
[im always me]^^
|whatCOULDiSAY?
this few days i really think alot.i think back my past relationship and the recent one.
sometimes i really wonder... what is the problem which is soooo important that i could feel and i can actually decide to end them?
when people ask me, why and whats the reason u end your relationship?
i just say I'm just bored with them! its actually not.
it's attitude. yep, it is..
what? i know my attitude is not as good as best.
BUT i do mind.
a simple things can show what kind of person you are.
I'm a girl who will always put love in the first place..
its sure that i need the feeling of..im the only one.
what i put in front n what i put behind?
what people can see is i leave them behind.
but what i could feel is the point.
yea. i know its hurt that i have to end it.
i really care what and how they make me feel.....
in the first place i will think.. why am i need u with me?
all i need is just make sense yet simple things.
its between me and you.
i want to be with you because i need you.. i want to share everything. im ready to spend my time for the stupidest thing i could do only with you... everything...
why couldn't i feel it that way for all my relationship that i had.
is it wrong with me?
all the way out, im thinking whether should i choose him?
now i know, its not.
the problem is come from him..
i just want to be respected for who i am and who i am when we're together.
i hate being treated like a kids.
i dont wish the same thing happened on me again like my 2cd ex.
i dont want to end the relationship up..
i hope in the relationship.. there's no anythg hidden between us.
its just simple.
i want to say it out.
but i dont know how to say.
write is better than to speak.
to speak is harder than to write.
but its safer to write than to speak.
there's still alots of things i want to mention.
but i really tired...
at first i though i want to follow my friend to penang.
but i think... its better not to go.
i need to rest.
i dont want to care anything as much as i do.
so much i wish i could feel better now...& ever!
i want to spend more time on my own.
since my friend will not coming to visits..
i hate apologies.
too much to care, nothing in return.
i'll be leave behind like always..
.
GO TO THE BEACH
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